I included this in my first blog but now think that it might be helpful as a stand alone list. I know that I was desperately trying to find something to read that included some of my weirder traits. Maybe yours are like mine? Maybe we have found our mother planet?
Would the real me please step forward.
I pretend to
be spontaneous and fun; it appears that I am, but what they haven’t seen is the
hours and days of lists and plans and panic.
I plan and
plan and over plan everything. I have to
know what is going to happen and when. I
thought this was just me being super organised.
Everyone tells me that they can’t be expected to adhere to my
schedule. I thought that I was helping
them, but maybe I have been helping me?
I think and
plan and pack and re-pack at least a week before a trip. I have to have my special things in my bag,
next to me and easily accessible. I
thought that this was just good organisation and management but never thought
about the panic and distress it causes me if this doesn’t happen.
I need to
tell everyone every opinion I have, and I need to keep telling them until they
agree. I need them to say I am ok and
right. I always have lots of facts to
back everything up and cannot understand how people don’t like hearing this and
how they can dispute facts. They can
hold a different opinion, sure, but to me, facts are not disputable.
I have to
stick up for injustice and unfairness. I
cannot bear bias and jealousy. I lecture
people with my research and facts if what they are saying is based on rumour or
lies. They don’t like this, and I don’t
I care too
much about everything and not at all about some things. I jump in to help when it is maybe not needed
or wanted or maybe when it will not be valued or will be rejected. I understand none of this.
I need a calm
routine and don’t cope well if I can’t prepare to leave the house in the same
way every day. They laugh at me for
getting up 2 hours before an early trip and I pretend that it is funny, but it
I have to sit
where I want to sit or else I am very distressed and cannot enjoy anything
about what I am doing. In the theatre or
a restaurant or a train or a plane etc.
The wrong seat or view or access to the toilets would make me
uncomfortable and the more I am then told to stop being ridiculous, the worse
I cannot bear
clothes that itch or scratch or constrict.
I would rather cut or rip them off.
Same with jewellery.
I panic if a
top is stuck over my face or if a necklace will not immediately undo. I feel trapped and attacked and can’t stand
and upsets me. Barking dogs, ticking
clocks, loud voices or music.
Inconsiderate noise or behaviour really really upsets me, and I want to
make it stop.
terrified of toilets – generally. If I
see something horrible, the image will stay with me forever and keep
reoccurring in my mind as an image. This
makes me wretch.
difficult for me to change my running route and very difficult to start a new
one in a new location. I can’t make my
body do it – feels wrong, like a punishment to myself.
I am obsessed
with dieting and feel sick and guilty all day once I have eaten something.
stand to eat something that I don’t want to eat. They all tell me off for it but, I know what
I want and anything else will make me worry and panic.
I rock back
and forth and tap my feet when I am trying to think or to worry or to calm
terrible IBS that gets worse with what I perceive as stress.
I am totally
drained after a conversation. I feel
like I have had to concentrate really hard on trying to be ok. I never succeed, but then I need to run away,
to be alone and to cry and sleep.
I am always
ALWAYS asking myself and Pete if I have done something wrong, did I say
something wrong. If I meet people I
always ask if I behaved, did I do anything bad?
I am always in trouble for something.
All my life I
have been told that I think too much and that no-one will ever put up with me.
I have always
tried to say yes in the hope of being included; I never know when to say
I get lost in
buildings. I can’t find my way back out
of the loo and need to check the exit on my way in.
I got stuck
in a hotel spa and cried because I couldn’t find the exit door.
I have had
over 35 jobs. I leave because I don’t
agree with their methods, principles, morality, or because I am scared that
something is changing, or that they don’t like me.
I never stay
in a gym class because I can’t copy or converse.
friends at school by being funny. I
entertained them and I thought that they liked me.
I had no idea
about sex and had no idea where to put a tampon.
meetings – always good but I have nothing else to say after that.
conversations I instigate are either lots of questions about them, lots of
questions about stuff, or planning something.
I am so much
happier somewhere where the language is different. I don’t feel obliged to speak to everyone and
they don’t speak to me.
When I am
criticised for saying something that is true, or when someone is offended by me
just existing, I tell more truth. I say
the absolute truth of what I am thinking.
But it is not what I am thinking, it is a fact or a controversial
opinion. I see now, that is not at all
how I am feeling. I never realised that
I like to do
lots. I like to go to lots of places and
not to get bored in one place. But, I
have to plan it and keep my routines and things around me. I get very stressed in a new place and feel
really uncomfortable and unable to relax.
I thought that I liked the continually moving and changing but maybe I
don’t because I am always upset. If it
is not what I expected, then I am very unhappy and want to leave.
If there is
no fresh air or the windows won’t open, then I don’t want to stay and find it
very difficult to stay calm. It makes it
worse when everyone says that I am moaning again and that nothing is ever good
enough for me. If it is good enough then
it is, if it isn’t good enough, then it isn’t.
rush. I need each action or movement to
be planned and to work. I would rather
wait an hour for the next train than try to run. It means that I didn’t plan well enough and
shouldn’t be doing it. I don’t want to
be forced to pretend that I am ok with this.
I don’t like
it if the plan is changed.
When I say
that I don’t understand, it is because I want an explanation so that I can
If you ignore
me or I hear silence, I will fill it with doubts, worry and fear. I will complete the story and can only base
it upon what I have known before.
If I see a
date, I remember whose birthday it is.
I think about
a word or a topic and then, there it is.
In the paper or magazine or billboard – just weird.
stores – too big, too hot, too confusing.
I can’t walk
in heels and can’t walk on uneven surfaces at all.
I can smell
blood. I could smell when my period was
If I am wrong
and bad, my body doesn’t work, and I want to tear my skin off.
I have to
‘nest’ and make everywhere a home or I will not feel comfortable. This sounds funny, but it isn’t.
I have to
work out everything backwards. What
needs to happen at the end? I think this
is a positive.
I read and
read to learn. Everyone said I was a
know it all when I had kids, but actually I knew nothing – hence the
books. I really didn’t understand what I
had done wrong.
I need to get
my point across and won’t stop until someone makes me feel listened to and
valued. They don’t. They just reject me more. But I don’t stop. I don’t think I really understand any of
I have to
make sure that everything is organised and can’t understand when I am told to
just let things ‘go with the flow’. To
me that is awful. So much could go wrong
and how will I know what to do?
that everyone would like to hear my new thought or opinion. It appears that they don’t, and I am baffled
by this. I want to hear theirs and it is
not my fault that they don’t have one!
they bullied me for being clever and wanting to learn so I told everyone that
they would fail and go nowhere because they refused to learn. They didn’t like me, and I really didn’t
I was upset
at school by bad behaviour or disrespect.
I told the others this and told the teacher if they were doing something
I was always
trying to play with them, join the group.
I was never
picked in PE.
understand clothes, make-up or gossip. I
never ever understood being two-faced.
Thought honesty was better.
lie about me. They make up something so
that others think I am bad. This has
happened to me lots. I have no idea why.
written letters to anyone who I think that I might have upset, and I have
written letters to everyone who has upset me, but I have never sent those. I have them so that I can read them to myself
and think about if I did anything wrong and why they were unkind to me.
to talk to the bus driver than the other kids.
everyone not to smoke and they hated me.
I knew that I was right.
stand to see wires or plugs. I have to
hide and tidy them. I do not like a
hotel/ apartment if this happens.
I only like
to drink out of certain mugs. I prefer
shapes and don’t like normal ones but can manage if they are patterned.
I never drink
out of the can.
I don’t want
to watch a film if I don’t know the ending.
I am very upset when made to do this.
stand any kind of violence in anything.
partner dies or disappears then I never watch again. Kate in Heartbeat, Rose in Dr Who, Josh and
Donna in The West Wing and Matthew and Mary in Downton Abbey.
I talk too
much, too soon. I launch into
conversation and ask lots of questions. I thought that I was being nice. I had no idea there were rules about this
says that I am completely different when I talk to someone else. She says that my voice changes and I am over
eager and ask lots of questions with exaggerated interest. Also I never know when to stop.
I talk to
everyone, everywhere. I always ask them
about them. I never know when to
stop. I think that I have to speak to
them, that it would be rude not to.
I write lists
of what I want to say. I research everything
and print off lots of evidence/ back up. It is always in my bag in case I have
to talk to anyone.
already written a list for a trip in September so I can make sure I have time
to get up, go to the loo, run and have time to calm down again. No-one knows this and they will think I am
fun and spontaneous when we go.
I can’t cut
anything with scissors or with a knife.
I slip and often slice my fingers without noticing.
I like all of
the doors in the house to be open so that the room is seen, but without any
clutter as you look in. I need the rug
to be equidistant from the fire and the sofa and am upset when it is
moved. I like the coffee table to stay
where I have placed it and do not like furniture touching each other. There
must be a gap.
I need to
know exactly what we are doing, seeing, visiting and then to plan
backwards. I need to know where we are
eating and plan the time we should leave to get there. Any prospect of being late makes me very
nervous and unhappy.
I can skim
read information and find the main points – I thought that everyone could.
I see a
problem and can immediately think of ways to solve it – I presumed everyone
could or should.
I tell the truth, seek out the truth and
respect hearing the truth – I have learned that not everyone thinks like this.
I am not
offended by opposite points of view but am upset when mine are used against me
or to dislike and reject me.
I try to chat
and appear interested, but it is incredibly draining, and I can only cope for
short amounts of time after which I need to sit and be quiet and probably shake
and cry. Some of this is my CPTSD but
maybe some is actually Asberger’s – who knows?
I hate my
body and my brain. I wish I wasn’t me
and often wish that I didn’t exist.
I break everything. Light bulb fittings, every smoke alarm and
anything that is too fiddly.
I can’t use
scissors or tin openers and lose patience with these items very quickly.
I look after
everyone and try to make sure they are all listened to and cared for and that everything
is organised for them. I do all of this
far too much. When I ask for help, I am
shocked to find that I am rejected.
I realise that most people who I thought were my friends were just using me as
they passed by. Some were users and I
facilitated lots for them. Some were abusers and some were narcissists. I made myself available to help or
entertainment. They ditched me or moved
on. I’m not really sure now. Nothing seems to be the way I had imagined
that it was.
I don’t actually
think that I have ever had a real friend who liked me unconditionally and
accepted who I am. When I have asked for
understanding or help, they have all faded away.
everyone everything and put thoughts and feelings on Facebook. My daughter told me this was not ok and that
I should stop, so I have.
that I was super sociable and would have filled in an AS quotient to say that,
until I thought about it, and realised that I was trying to be sociable but
I like wearing
hats; they feel like protection.
Every day I
add something new.
that everyone understood; I thought that we were all the same.