Maybe all of this isn’t me being weird? Maybe I’m just autisic?

I included this in my first blog but now think that it might be helpful as a stand alone list. I know that I was desperately trying to find something to read that included some of my weirder traits. Maybe yours are like mine? Maybe we have found our mother planet?

Would the real me please step forward.

I pretend to be spontaneous and fun; it appears that I am, but what they haven’t seen is the hours and days of lists and plans and panic.

I plan and plan and over plan everything.  I have to know what is going to happen and when.  I thought this was just me being super organised.  Everyone tells me that they can’t be expected to adhere to my schedule.  I thought that I was helping them, but maybe I have been helping me?

I think and plan and pack and re-pack at least a week before a trip.  I have to have my special things in my bag, next to me and easily accessible.  I thought that this was just good organisation and management but never thought about the panic and distress it causes me if this doesn’t happen.

I need to tell everyone every opinion I have, and I need to keep telling them until they agree.  I need them to say I am ok and right.  I always have lots of facts to back everything up and cannot understand how people don’t like hearing this and how they can dispute facts.  They can hold a different opinion, sure, but to me, facts are not disputable.

I have to stick up for injustice and unfairness.  I cannot bear bias and jealousy.  I lecture people with my research and facts if what they are saying is based on rumour or lies.  They don’t like this, and I don’t understand why.

I care too much about everything and not at all about some things.  I jump in to help when it is maybe not needed or wanted or maybe when it will not be valued or will be rejected.  I understand none of this.

I need a calm routine and don’t cope well if I can’t prepare to leave the house in the same way every day.  They laugh at me for getting up 2 hours before an early trip and I pretend that it is funny, but it is not.

I have to sit where I want to sit or else I am very distressed and cannot enjoy anything about what I am doing.  In the theatre or a restaurant or a train or a plane etc.  The wrong seat or view or access to the toilets would make me uncomfortable and the more I am then told to stop being ridiculous, the worse it gets. 

I cannot bear clothes that itch or scratch or constrict.  I would rather cut or rip them off.  Same with jewellery.

I panic if a top is stuck over my face or if a necklace will not immediately undo.  I feel trapped and attacked and can’t stand it. 

Noise annoys and upsets me.  Barking dogs, ticking clocks, loud voices or music.  Inconsiderate noise or behaviour really really upsets me, and I want to make it stop. 

I am terrified of toilets – generally.  If I see something horrible, the image will stay with me forever and keep reoccurring in my mind as an image.  This makes me wretch. 

It is difficult for me to change my running route and very difficult to start a new one in a new location.  I can’t make my body do it – feels wrong, like a punishment to myself.

I am obsessed with dieting and feel sick and guilty all day once I have eaten something.

I cannot stand to eat something that I don’t want to eat.  They all tell me off for it but, I know what I want and anything else will make me worry and panic.

I rock back and forth and tap my feet when I am trying to think or to worry or to calm down.

I have terrible IBS that gets worse with what I perceive as stress.

I am totally drained after a conversation.  I feel like I have had to concentrate really hard on trying to be ok.  I never succeed, but then I need to run away, to be alone and to cry and sleep.

I am always ALWAYS asking myself and Pete if I have done something wrong, did I say something wrong.  If I meet people I always ask if I behaved, did I do anything bad?  I am always in trouble for something.

All my life I have been told that I think too much and that no-one will ever put up with me.

I have always tried to say yes in the hope of being included; I never know when to say no. 

I get lost in buildings.  I can’t find my way back out of the loo and need to check the exit on my way in.

I got stuck in a hotel spa and cried because I couldn’t find the exit door.  

I have had over 35 jobs.  I leave because I don’t agree with their methods, principles, morality, or because I am scared that something is changing, or that they don’t like me.

I never stay in a gym class because I can’t copy or converse.

I made friends at school by being funny.  I entertained them and I thought that they liked me.

I had no idea about sex and had no idea where to put a tampon.

First meetings – always good but I have nothing else to say after that.

Most conversations I instigate are either lots of questions about them, lots of questions about stuff, or planning something. 

I am so much happier somewhere where the language is different.  I don’t feel obliged to speak to everyone and they don’t speak to me.

When I am criticised for saying something that is true, or when someone is offended by me just existing, I tell more truth.  I say the absolute truth of what I am thinking.  But it is not what I am thinking, it is a fact or a controversial opinion.  I see now, that is not at all how I am feeling.  I never realised that before.

I like to do lots.  I like to go to lots of places and not to get bored in one place.  But, I have to plan it and keep my routines and things around me.  I get very stressed in a new place and feel really uncomfortable and unable to relax.  I thought that I liked the continually moving and changing but maybe I don’t because I am always upset.  If it is not what I expected, then I am very unhappy and want to leave.

If there is no fresh air or the windows won’t open, then I don’t want to stay and find it very difficult to stay calm.  It makes it worse when everyone says that I am moaning again and that nothing is ever good enough for me.  If it is good enough then it is, if it isn’t good enough, then it isn’t. 

I cannot rush.  I need each action or movement to be planned and to work.  I would rather wait an hour for the next train than try to run.  It means that I didn’t plan well enough and shouldn’t be doing it.  I don’t want to be forced to pretend that I am ok with this. 

I don’t like it if the plan is changed. 

When I say that I don’t understand, it is because I want an explanation so that I can understand.

If you ignore me or I hear silence, I will fill it with doubts, worry and fear.  I will complete the story and can only base it upon what I have known before. 

If I see a date, I remember whose birthday it is.

I think about a word or a topic and then, there it is.  In the paper or magazine or billboard – just weird.

Department stores – too big, too hot, too confusing.

I can’t walk in heels and can’t walk on uneven surfaces at all.

I can smell blood.  I could smell when my period was due.

If I am wrong and bad, my body doesn’t work, and I want to tear my skin off.

I have to ‘nest’ and make everywhere a home or I will not feel comfortable.  This sounds funny, but it isn’t.

I have to work out everything backwards.  What needs to happen at the end?  I think this is a positive.

I read and read to learn.  Everyone said I was a know it all when I had kids, but actually I knew nothing – hence the books.  I really didn’t understand what I had done wrong.

I need to get my point across and won’t stop until someone makes me feel listened to and valued.  They don’t.  They just reject me more.  But I don’t stop.  I don’t think I really understand any of this.

I have to make sure that everything is organised and can’t understand when I am told to just let things ‘go with the flow’.  To me that is awful.  So much could go wrong and how will I know what to do?

I presume that everyone would like to hear my new thought or opinion.  It appears that they don’t, and I am baffled by this.  I want to hear theirs and it is not my fault that they don’t have one!

At school they bullied me for being clever and wanting to learn so I told everyone that they would fail and go nowhere because they refused to learn.  They didn’t like me, and I really didn’t understand.

I was upset at school by bad behaviour or disrespect.  I told the others this and told the teacher if they were doing something wrong.

I was always trying to play with them, join the group.

I was never picked in PE. 

I didn’t understand clothes, make-up or gossip.  I never ever understood being two-faced.  Thought honesty was better.

People always lie about me.  They make up something so that others think I am bad.  This has happened to me lots.  I have no idea why. 

I have written letters to anyone who I think that I might have upset, and I have written letters to everyone who has upset me, but I have never sent those.  I have them so that I can read them to myself and think about if I did anything wrong and why they were unkind to me. 

I preferred to talk to the bus driver than the other kids. 

I told everyone not to smoke and they hated me.  I knew that I was right.

I cannot stand to see wires or plugs.  I have to hide and tidy them.  I do not like a hotel/ apartment if this happens.

I only like to drink out of certain mugs.  I prefer shapes and don’t like normal ones but can manage if they are patterned.

I never drink out of the can.

I don’t want to watch a film if I don’t know the ending.  I am very upset when made to do this. 

I cannot stand any kind of violence in anything.

If someone’s partner dies or disappears then I never watch again.  Kate in Heartbeat, Rose in Dr Who, Josh and Donna in The West Wing and Matthew and Mary in Downton Abbey.

I talk too much, too soon.  I launch into conversation and ask lots of questions.  I thought that I was being nice.  I had no idea there were rules about this stuff. 

My daughter says that I am completely different when I talk to someone else.  She says that my voice changes and I am over eager and ask lots of questions with exaggerated interest.  Also I never know when to stop.

I talk to everyone, everywhere.  I always ask them about them.  I never know when to stop.  I think that I have to speak to them, that it would be rude not to.

I write lists of what I want to say.  I research everything and print off lots of evidence/ back up. It is always in my bag in case I have to talk to anyone. 

I have already written a list for a trip in September so I can make sure I have time to get up, go to the loo, run and have time to calm down again.  No-one knows this and they will think I am fun and spontaneous when we go.

I can’t cut anything with scissors or with a knife.  I slip and often slice my fingers without noticing.

I like all of the doors in the house to be open so that the room is seen, but without any clutter as you look in.  I need the rug to be equidistant from the fire and the sofa and am upset when it is moved.  I like the coffee table to stay where I have placed it and do not like furniture touching each other. There must be a gap. 

I need to know exactly what we are doing, seeing, visiting and then to plan backwards.  I need to know where we are eating and plan the time we should leave to get there.  Any prospect of being late makes me very nervous and unhappy. 

I can skim read information and find the main points – I thought that everyone could.

I see a problem and can immediately think of ways to solve it – I presumed everyone could or should.

 I tell the truth, seek out the truth and respect hearing the truth – I have learned that not everyone thinks like this.

I am not offended by opposite points of view but am upset when mine are used against me or to dislike and reject me.

I try to chat and appear interested, but it is incredibly draining, and I can only cope for short amounts of time after which I need to sit and be quiet and probably shake and cry.  Some of this is my CPTSD but maybe some is actually Asberger’s – who knows? 

I hate my body and my brain.  I wish I wasn’t me and often wish that I didn’t exist. 

I break everything.  Light bulb fittings, every smoke alarm and anything that is too fiddly.

I can’t use scissors or tin openers and lose patience with these items very quickly.

I look after everyone and try to make sure they are all listened to and cared for and that everything is organised for them.  I do all of this far too much.  When I ask for help, I am shocked to find that I am rejected.

Looking back, I realise that most people who I thought were my friends were just using me as they passed by.  Some were users and I facilitated lots for them. Some were abusers and some were narcissists.  I made myself available to help or entertainment.  They ditched me or moved on.  I’m not really sure now.  Nothing seems to be the way I had imagined that it was. 

I don’t actually think that I have ever had a real friend who liked me unconditionally and accepted who I am.  When I have asked for understanding or help, they have all faded away. 

I tell everyone everything and put thoughts and feelings on Facebook.  My daughter told me this was not ok and that I should stop, so I have.

I thought that I was super sociable and would have filled in an AS quotient to say that, until I thought about it, and realised that I was trying to be sociable but failing miserably.

I like wearing hats; they feel like protection.

Every day I add something new.

I thought that everyone understood; I thought that we were all the same.

Published by Tracyclements

Having wandered aimlessly often in chaos and confusion for over 50 years, I finally know that I am actually autistic. I spent far too long trying to fit in, when I should have been proud of fitting out. Now dispelling myths, misconceptions and misunderstanding that shroud autism, and create unhelpful and unhealthy stereotypes and stigma.

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